As someone who enjoys writing and talking about dying, death, funerals and bereavement (and doesn't usually shirk from honest, heart-felt views on the same), I do feel I'm stuck in a 'play it safe' groove when it comes to writing and delivering funeral ceremonies. I have a yen for breaking free and trying new things, but I think I'm having a bit of a confidence crisis. And I'm confused too.
There are various things going on here. Firstly, I've only been working as a civil celebrant for nine months, so my ceremony content so far has been very much guided by training manuals and handbooks, as well as 'listening in' on those more experienced than myself. The services I've led up until now appear, thankfully, to have been well received, by both families and funeral directors alike. But I feel, having been inspired by things I've read, seen and heard (many, many inspirations coming from my fellow bloggers and followers) I want to take it up a notch. That 'nine-month' time period perhaps lends itself to a, sort of, gestation analogy – I have been growing with each new booking, feeding on information, developing through experience, and now I'm ready to 'arrive', fully-formed and with a unique style of my own.
I am, of course, aware of the sensitive nature of the work I do; that it is very much led by the beliefs and wishes of the person who has died and their family, and not a platform for me to take centre stage, sharing my thoughts and views like some kind of Comfort Blanket Road Show (now, there's a thought...)
But, therein lies the rub ... when a minister delivers a funeral service, it is an accepted fact that they believe in God, eternal life, and so they share those beliefs with everyone. They have, of course, been invited to do so, because those beliefs are (supposed to be) the same as those of the deceased and their family. It's what the minster represents; what they stand for.
When a civil celebrant delivers a funeral service, it's not about what we believe in. And I think that makes it harder to link together all those aspects of the ceremony that have been requested by the person who has died and/or their family. Especially the opening and closing words. The general theme (alongside recalling a person's life and conveying love and gratitude for all they meant to us) is that when someone we love dies, they live on in our hearts and minds for as long as we remember them. I do believe that, and I believe it's a notion that can comfort those left behind. So I find various ways of getting that point across, both in my own and other people's words. But what else could I be saying? How could I be saying it? And, more to the point, what do people actually want to hear? Are they happy with these ceremonies because it's the non-traditional alternative they really wanted? Or could they have had something even better but no-one knows quite what that would have looked or sounded like?
I know what I sound like – a broken record. Here's another post where I'm saying the same thing – "I think it's time to do something different but we don't really know what people want". If you paid a subscription for my blog you'd all be asking for a refund, crying "it's the same stuff every week!" Just as well I'm incognito...
I don't think you are repeating yourself, I think you are questioning what you do and I think that's healthy. Perhaps you could work on some alernative ideas that you could put forward to families. I guess families are guided by you and whilst having you is an "alternative" they still need guidence during a time that is emotional, unsure and most of the time it's their first time planning a funeral. Would asking families for feedback be disrespectful? If not you could ask a broad range of questions about your services and add some other ideas that you've had and see how they are received. I think because they have in mind what you did for them it may be interesting to see their thoughts on other options. It'd be a kind of "knowing the ropes" response. We (Joe public) are ill informed about all aspects of death and dying this is where the problem lies. I would be scared to break from the norm incase it was disrespecting my loved one and I'm not a wall flower. Maybe if I could read about alternatives even watch a video showing how saying goodbye could be different it might give me confidence to break with tradition. Sx
ReplyDeleteThank you RR. Your very honest and helpful response has helped me to come back down to planet earth! I loved your suggestions and yes, I could certainly do more to find out how 'Joe Public' feels. Rather than just asking myself "what do people want?" all the time, I need to ask them! But do it by giving examples, rather than just saying "what would you like?" because most people, understandably, wouldn't be able to say.
ReplyDeleteAlongside the wider view of trying to be different, my main concern at the moment is how to give my own words the 'gravitas' required for ceremonial situations. That's what started the idea for this post but I think I wandered off the point a bit!
Anyway, thanks again RR for your support and encouragement. It is much appreciated. x
I think my 'off piste' post went off piste...
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting post, CB, and very timely. At this busy time of year, it is difficult to keep everything "fresh", and not to slip into comfortable ways.
ReplyDeleteBut as has been pointed out to me in the past, some people want the familiar as it gives them a certain amount of (forgive me) comfort.
Your correspondence with Ric Rac hits the nail on the head - we have to ask folks what they want, and offer suggestions. People often say that they want to do the "right" or "appropriate" thing, and so we need to give them the reassurance that whatever they want is that right thing.
I was chatting with a family once, and we were talking about the committal. Given the nature of the deceased, I asked his (adult) children if they would like me to start off a round of applause when the curtains closed, as a "well done" for his life.
They said no with expressions on their faces that made me think I'd really put my foot in it.
Come the day, however, they nodded to each other when I asked them to stand and then they started to clap as the curtains drew.
So suggest away, you never know which seeds will take root.
Thank you XP. You are so right - the comfort gained through familiarity is just as important. As is reassuring people that whatever they choose to do, it is the right thing. I have heard of people giving a round of applause, which is a lovely idea. Provided, as you say, the family are OK with it. It's a shame really because there are moments during some services where you think "I wish I'd suggested such-and-such here" but it's the reaction of people on the day that has created the thought. And adding spontaneous content is, obviously, dangerous territory!
ReplyDeleteI think for now I'll focus on trying to improve the wording and, alongside that, perhaps think of one or two ideas that I could ask people's views on. I'll keep you posted! Thanks again XP.
This has been a useful post CB, thanks.
ReplyDeleteMaybe all good minibrants, once they've got the procedural basics right and feel they are generally OK with family visits and writing a script that meets with approval (how easy to write those phrases c.f. doing it well...)begin to chafe, especially if they are busy and one ceremony quickly follows another.
Perhaps the elephant in the machine (or do I mean the ghost in the room?)is ritual - as opposed to ceremony. For countless thousands of years, people used ritual to create meanings. Our secular funeral ceremonies are - OK, I guess, or better than OK - but perhaps they don't usually have a lot of ritual power. Seems to me even the Christians ('even' because I take them to be people with a ready-made set of rituals and shared responses)struggle to creat meaningful rituals in yer average crem. It's doubly hard for us, who often use a procedural shell left over from Christian crem format. WHY do we continue to hold funerals (as opposed to committals f the body to cremation)in crematoria? That's not, it tok me a long time to realise, how they started out. All funerals, I'm told, used to be in a church/chapel, followed by a brief committal at the crem.
So your restlessness is perhaps just a sign of the depth of your thought and the power of your motivation. I feel the same too. Other times, I feel it can go OK as is, for many of the people we work with. As you suggest, one response from us is to work even harder at what is said and how it is said.
Oh GM... once again you have eloquently tapped the nail on the head. It is indeed ritual (how often this crops up among all our postings) as much as the words themselves. That's what I was trying to express in comparing myself to 'religious' ministers. It's in the simplest of things - the raising of arms, the joining of hands, the closing of eyes. I don't feel 'qualified' to do an equivalent 'gesture', first of all because I don't feel I'm representing anything (if that makes sense?), I fear people might think "what on earth is she doing?!" but also because, as you say, the crematorium chapel is a lectern/microphone prison (as I discussed in a previous post 'I want to break free') It really does feel like a 'procedural shell'. As you say, many people are 'happy' with our current offering. And I don't have an exact plan of how I'd do things differently. That's almost impossible without some knowledge of what people feel they need. But a general restlessness and slight chafing? Yes indeed...
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