Here's an interesting conversation I had with a funeral director this week, while we were discussing the content of an Order of Service. It went something along the lines of...
FD: "I'm not being critical of civil funerals, because I think you all do a great job, but some people come away from non-religious services feeling like they haven't really been to a funeral".
CB: "Why's that?"
FD: "Because they haven't been able to participate in any way".
CB: "I encourage families to participate as much as possible by sharing stories about their loved ones to include in tributes, by writing tributes, reading tributes, poems, and readings. They choose music, sometimes play music. They help to carry the coffin. It's all participating, I would say".
FD: "Yes, but that's only close family and friends. With a religious service, everyone gets to join in with hymns, or repeating and responding to prayers. But this way, people feel left out".
Now, I'm not sure how much of that is his view and how much of it is the view of those attending. I have to say, I have never heard anyone express such an opinion but that doesn't mean they weren't thinking it. But I thought it was an interesting comment, and something to ponder as we (myself and fellow members of the 'Let's Improve Funerals' brigade) try to uncover people's needs and wishes.
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I can see his point of view and personally I loooooooove singing hymms and I am not a religious person. When I sing at a funeral I sing loud and enthusiastically even though I have a terrible voice (I do feel sorry for the people around me) but I feel the need to sing out to honour the deceased and give them a good send off. That said, I don't think I'd feel left out if there weren't a chance to sing and I think generally most people hate singing so would probably be grateful for the lack of a hymm or two. Also what is the alternative? It would seem abit weird for everyone to sing along to someones choice of a pop song. It's a conundrum though and can see there may be a need for some to unite in grief. Maybe it's something you could discuss with families and make them conscious of and they may come up with some creative ideas of how to develop a more traditional unity in the service if they want to. Sx
ReplyDeleteIt is a conundrum, RR, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think, when it comes to everyone being 'vocal', it is difficult to find direct alternatives to hymns and prayers. I know what you mean about pop songs, but there have been times when the right song has been played at the right moment and I know people would have joined in the chorus if I'd asked them to!
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is we need to be more certain about what people want. If people really do feel that sharing in the vocal aspect of a service is a crucial element of a good funeral, then we can try to find alternatives. But if we're finding alternatives because we're trying to make a non-religious service have the same 'ingredients' as a religious service, I'm not sure that's the right motive. Do people want to be vocal because that is what has been done in the past, or because that's what really works? I'm not sure we have the answer to that yet. Another, similar question is, do 'civil' funerals work because they fully answer people's needs, or because they are simply an alternative to what people don't want anymore? Questions, questions...
And valid questions, too.
ReplyDeleteParticipation is an odd thing. I think I've mentioned before that I occasionally suggest a round of applause during the ceremony (perhaps as the curtains close). This is surprisingly emotional, and has usually been well received. But, no doubt, there would be those who would rather not.
Perhaps we have to remember the old saying about how many people one can please all the time. If the family are happy, then that's all good.
And how many folks come up to you afterwards, thank you, tell you that it was a good service etc? Clearly not everyone feels that something was missing.
It is a difficult one - those with a strong faith will feel that what is important to them is lacking in a non-religious ceremony. Those who have no faith feel that all of the religious content is a waste of time. Perhaps we could ask them to tick a box, at the door, and then we could tailor the ceremony accordingly.
Yes, being silly now, so will go - but thank you for raising this interesting point. I just don't know if we'll ever have an answer.
Very interesting comments XP. Thank you. And yes, perhaps we'll never have the answer. I agree that it's not possible to please everyone, all of the time. But if we can please the family all of the time, then that's certainly something to aim for.
ReplyDeleteHats off to the clerics. It behoves us to envy them for, verily, they have summat we ain't. They've got beautifully polished forms of words, rubbed smooth by centuries of utterance. That liturgy wasn't something typed up at midnight, designed to be a one-off. No, they've got a great-sounding script and their ceremonies make secular ceremonies look like a prescription for DVT. The clerics, in their gorgeous raiment, make us stand, sit, kneel; sing; murmur prayers; cross ourselves; exchange a sign of peace (loveit!!);utter responses; bellow out hymns with absurd words and marvellous tunes. A secular audience just sits there like pudd'ns while a dowdy civilian talks from beginning to end - words words words.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, opps for involvement are limited by all manner of things -- no one sings out loud any more unless they've had a few; and we can't move the seats to make a friendly circle.
One thing I always do is to make em repeat after me the words of the Farewell or, as it'll be on Thursday, the Thank You.
And I think that we can use rhetorical tricks, questions in particular, to make the tribute much more interactive, much more of a dialogue.
The point is, there's no point for the mourners getting a stranger to do all the work!!
Other jobs: service sheet done on the pc at home; someone to do flowers; someone to show people to seats.
People don't feel at home in a crem. They feel inhibited.
A rich seam, CB! Just as well GM is swanning around on the Great Wall of China. Time for me to STOP.
Hi Charles and thank you for your suggestions. I think, as you pointed out, it would be so much easier to do things differently if we could change locations. And perhaps if there was a little more time between death and the funeral – unfortunately we don't usually get to see the family until after the service date is booked, and then it would be a case of asking for it to be put back. I also feel that I probably need to be a bit more confident in my dealings with families when it comes to making alternative suggestions. All in good time, I guess...
ReplyDeleteLove the "repeat after me", idea - will certainly be trying that one - thanks Charles.
ReplyDeleteInteresting point about timing, CB. But again, it's different strokes for different folks. If you're dealing with a family who "just want it over with", then suggesting an extra week's delay will be met with horror.
All interesting stuff. Many thanks.