http://www.dyingmatters.org.uk/site/dying-survey
I do appreciate what Dying Matters is trying to do but what would have been even more thought-provoking, and useful, would be to know WHY people don't want to think or talk about death. Although you could argue "well that's obvious isn't it?" I think the results could be interesting and, perhaps, even more revealing than the expected responses of "it's too morbid, scary, depressing, painful" etc.
As an aside, I was surprised and impressed by the son of a lady whose funeral I led recently, when he asked if he could go 'behind the scenes' after the service and witness her coffin going into the cremator. This is something anyone can do and is common practice among Hindus and Sikhs. But this is the first time I've had a family member make a request. His brothers and sisters, and his dad, didn't feel it was something they wanted to do. He just said, by way of explanation, "I want to accompany her right through to the end" – and he did. Good for him.
What a very good point. Yes, don't keep on banging on about the fact, let's have some research insights into the reasons! (DM really does seem to go round in circles a lot of the time. They'll be telling us that people want to die at home next.)
ReplyDeleteThe first time I arranged for anyone to witness the coffin being 'charged' (I think that's the deathcare jargon), the undertaker phoned to apologise to the family for my lunatic and entirely inappropriate suggestion. The family had to work quite hard to assure her that this was actually what they very definitely wanted. It's a simple choice, but one which is most often denied inasmuch as it is rarely offered. It makes a lot of sense. We watch the coffin being lowered into the hole, after all.
Actually no, CB, I don't think it's obvious,I think you're right to imply that it's not. The multitude of reasons for it seem important to me, if we can get into a bit more detail and past the "'s a bummer, right?"
ReplyDeleteI'm about a third of the way through a book called "Staring At The Sun," which I expect all long-standing GFG-ers already know about, but it's new to me and really helpful and interesting. It's by a psychotherapist, about our fears of death, and he puts together what he's learnt from his practice with some profound ideas from various thinkers, all expressed as clearly as you'd wish. Great book. You may well know of it from your bereavement work, but I think it's worth publicising in any case!
It's interesting that so many people say they see death as a taboo subject, yet when, in a social context, I explain to people what I do, mostly they are interested (more likely if they are of maturer years!) and only occasionally do they suddenly say "I've just remembered, I've parked on a double yellow" and vanish.
(I mean, I don't generally loom darkly over social gatherings wearing my Grim Reaper T-shirt - you know, the one that says 'taking bookings now' - but if they will ask what I do in my spare time, what's a cheery funeralist to do?)
Maybe talking about one's funeral is the soft end of the whole thing. Sometimes people talk about their own funeral as if they'll be there, don't they? But at least it's a start. Yesterday, a bloke I met recently really got quite excited about the idea of recommending his own funeral music to his family, and took on fully the idea I suggested, that it would need to suit them as much or more than it might suit him, because, er.....
Absolutely Charles. Most people would never know that it's something they are 'allowed' to do, as no-one ever offers them the choice. I was pleased though that the FD in this instance was very helpful and didn't make any grumbles about it.
ReplyDeleteThanks GM, first of all, for the book recommendation. Staring At The Sun has slipped under my 'death book' radar! But is now firmly on my Amazon wish list...
ReplyDeleteAnd I too have more people express a genuine (I think!) interest when I tell them what I do for a living, than those who rapidly change the subject or realise they have left the oven on. I do like the sound of your Grim Reaper/Taking Bookings T-shirt. So much easier to wear than a sandwich board.
It is funny how people can get quite animated when talking about their 'dream' funeral. As if they will be able to experience it all when the time comes. Reminds me of a quote I heard earlier on the Dying Matters website – when asked what he would most like to hear someone say after he had died, the man replied "Look! He's still breathing"...
Loved the final quip above!
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